3rd day of spm~

Hmmm~~ 3rd day of SPM~ yeah!~~ and i dunnoe its my how many day of depression already~~ This few days jz have this sickening feeling ~~ and now feel so sick~~ cough gua~ haihz!!! Dunnoe why suddenly feel so hate myself~ i mean... hmmm.. jz dunnoe how to say... this question have been sounding in my head since dunnoe when~~ life is jz so weird some times... Is that the reason why and how ppl say its interesting?? Sometimes i think life kinda sux instead of weird~ sometimes its like heaven.. Maybe that is jz human being's feeling.. We never feel wad we have is enough.. Why?? I also wanna knw.. I've been thinking abt it.. For me, maybe its cos im scared to lost wad i have now? jz like before? hmm~~ Its always like that... when ever u think u have it all, its time to lose it all.... Is that wad God tried to tell us?? he give and he take away.. Is that wad they call give and take?? =.= its weird then... hmm~~~ I've always suspected the things that i have now~~~ Is that wad they call... PHOBIA? I really feel so lost wit my feelings now~ so mixed up~ i feel like letting go wad i have cos im afraid to lose them later~ its better to let go now if im gonna lose it one day~ Before it really came into my heart~ I think thats the best way... But i dun wanna hurt anyone around me~ Especially those who care and treat me good~ After wad happened, im really afraid all this is jz a dream for me~~ jz like wad had happen before~~~ In my exam yesterday~ english paper, there's one question which i chose, write an essay ending wit, now i realise the value of true friendship~ After i wrote it, i really hope that i din get it out of topic... lolz == i mean, do I actually knw the meaning or the value of true frenship? cos i think, hmm... my friendship that im appreciating now is all meetoto buddy XD yea~~ they are really great ppl to be wit~~ at times of depression and happiness~ about my essay, when i write it, i really think back of alot of things~ and i keep asking myself, is it my fault everything that happened? i know all this while im not a good person which i never wan or ask to be one~ wad's the use?? ppl think that u sux when u're good~ which means they see u as bad.. end up, u are the one who is sad.. make it bad then.... If u guys thinks that i do feel happy wit wad im doing now, then sorry to say, i dun feel any better either! I have to force ----> =) this face always when i dun even feel happy facing u guys, then wads the use if condition is like last time when there's no more the feeling that we use to have before nothing happened? Especially when i have to face those who ever betray me before~~ the ones who gave me those Phobia~~~ I RAELLY HATE MYSELF WHEN I HAVE TO FORCE A SMILE ON U!!!!! Why do i have to do so??? Thats jz me???????????? Then i really hate myself~~ Shit == i think im gonna have wad wad wad physco problem liao soon =.= wan ki siao liao~~ im starting to dunnoe who am i~ haihz~! during younger days, keep on hopping to be sick so that can skip skul...ZzzzzzZZzzzz rite now, wish to be healthy always so that i can sit for my exam... Getting weaker my imune system.. I really feel that life is so short... I always say that im not afraid to die... Yea~ Im not but I dun wan ppl surrounding me those who care for me, to be sad.. Thats all... Nvm =.= i have it all plan XD wakkaka.. make them hate me then they wont sad when i die == geng ler?? XD but stupid lor =.= hmmm~~ things that make me worried.. really alot lar... think till my head also wanna burst~~ but when im feeling ok dy, i sure tell my self... hmm~~ let it be bah~~ under god's plan~ jz that sometimes, i cant accept it... really make me feel wanna go crazy dy~~ especially wit my migrain which i think its back =.= zzzzzz exam time the head keep on... dunnoe how to say == really sux lar~~ haihz~~ Sometimes i feel so tired wit my life~~ but think back~~ hmmm~~~ there's alot more out there who is more cham then me XD hehe ok lar =.= shud stop crapping dy~~ getting really tired and cold now T_T yor~~~ and also i experienced uncontrollable body shake~~ is that how i shud explain it?? ><><><>